I haven’t written for a while, Partly due to life being busy, partly due to laziness, Mostly due to a minor crisis of faith. But today I write.
Let me start by telling you all about my crisis. To do this we might need to rewind to January. I am feeling strong in the gospel, and with it looking like I am not getting married anytime soon, I decided that I was not going to wait for a proposal to do my endowment at the temple.
I spoke with the bishop and took the lessons, I completed the lessons I was good, I was ready. Let’s do this!
And then I got STUCK.
I spiritually and physically could no longer move to that goal. I don’t think I have ever been in such a spiritually dark place. When I went to church all of the talks seemed to be on topics that I found annoying. Some of the members would just rub me up the wrong way. The number of people I wanted to slap was growing at an alarming rate. So I stopped going.
Then people would tell me “You really should come to church” or “You’re not going less active are you?” The second I could laugh off but the first one was like a red rag to a bull. I would explode inside with rage. HOW DARE THEY TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT BE DOING!!!! I think it was the one thing that annoyed me the most. It made me want to say “ Look Loves you focus on Your own Salvation and stay out of mine. It does not concern you.”
I hadn’t lost faith. I hadn’t stopped believing, I had not stopped praying or reading my scriptures, or listening to talks. But I was stuck. Things like Alcohol and Tea, And Coffee had never been so tempting, never smelt so good. One night, I almost, but by some miracle did not hit the wine.
I prayed so hard for Jesus and Heavenly Father to carry me through this, to keep me from drowning in whatever this was. And they did, I started hanging out with the Missionaries more teaching with them. Sharing a testimony which I was forgetting I had. I went to the pageant. But this has still not been enough to get me back through the doors until tonight, something happened tonight and I want to share it with you.
We watched a video of the first vision, and on my way home on the 45-minute drive, I prayed. I did not pray to know if this was the true church. My question to Heavenly Father was Is this the right church for me to best serve you? Is this the path I am meant to take? And more importantly, does My Grandfather Approve?
Context moment – My Grandfather was a staunch Catholic, the sort that went to church every day. He died when I was younger. He was and still is my Favourite person. I loved him so dearly and yes desperately still need his approval.
And driving down the road with tears in my eyes this was the answer I got. I kid you not. The Catholic Church is not all good and it is not all bad, cling to the parts you know to be true and keep them in your life. But this church, Is my church. It is not perfect, But it is the best you have got. You are on the right path now start walking. But the best part was that I felt an overwhelming sense of love and that I had my Grandfather’s approval, and I felt, a kiss on each side of my forehead from both my grandparents. Writing this now makes me sound like a crazy person, but I swear it’s true. And I am writing this because I never ever ever want to forget the sense of love and confirmation that I had tonight.
I have my answer. It’s not perfect, the people are not perfect, there are many questions unanswered, there are niggly bits that I don’t always agree with or understand, but I am ready to start walking again. The promise I made tonight was that I might not be ready to stop being carried but I am going to hold on to the Iron Rod and NEVER Let go. This is my path and I am going to tread it in the best way I know how. Sometimes I will stumble, sometimes I will fall but I am just going to keep getting back up and walking.